Invariably, whenever I want to turn right at the traffic lights a bloody great 4WD decides to turn left from the oncoming lane. This completely blocks my view because trying to see around a 4WD is like trying to see around Russell Crowe’s ego.

I find this a travesty of all that is holy. Not the turning left thing: that I am quite ok with. I have a great tolerance for people who like to turn left. I myself have done it on many occasions. The question that perplexes me is this: why is every second car on the Gold Coast a 4WD Canyonero?

The (gratuitous and lengthy swearing) Gold Coast is as flat as a (more gratuitous swear words) pancake. Why in (colourful metaphor)’s sake would you need an all terrain vehicle? I do realize there is that nasty pothole near the racecourse and that dodgy patch of road in Nerang, but really, is that an excuse for half of the Gold Coast to buy a Landriver Unnecessary?

I know all the excuses: They fit a lot of people in. I move a lot of stuff. We were thinking of going to Uluru.

Bollocks!

The real reason people buy 4WDs is that they make you feel all powerful and dead sexy. Unfortunately, while the Toyota Viagra owner feels like James Bond while driving to the Southport Bi Lo, everyone else feels they are a total tosser.

Has anyone ever informed the male section of the species that whenever a female sees a really snazzy mid life crisis killer hot car they do not think ‘now there is a stud’, but ‘now there goes a man with a bright yellow Porsche and a penis that needs locating with a microscope’. My favourite is the gold Rolls Royce with the number plate ADRIAN that lives around Benowa. Judging by that hideous display I presume the poor bloke is a eunuch.

Telling the entire world you are impotent aside, what annoys me is the antisocial nature of the 4WD. They encourage people to drive like wankers. I know a man who gave up indicating all together after he bought his Landhumper Testosterone. I have learnt through painful experience that 4WD drivers are special people. Little things like road rules and speed limits don’t apply to them because they ‘are special’ and big (although they really will be ‘special’ after I give them brain damage with a cricket bat). Everywhere I look there is some fonking great behemoth doing something stupid and causing misery and havoc to their fellow road users. And that should be twice as much misery and havoc considering they take up twice as much space as everyone else.

The roads are full of silly rich private school mothers who need a humvee to drop little Tarquin and Jocasta off at TSS and St Hilda’sil. I hate to say it, but their driving skills are a tad lacking. I know from long experience. Some days you couldn’t move at my “St Poncy You Have To Wear A Hat All The Time” school for the Canyoneros backing over the fourth graders.

And in answer to your question: I rode a bicycle. I was the only person in my school that rode a bike. Apparently it was actually against school rules, but by the time they got around to telling me I just said get knotted to that. Yes I was one of those people who never won first place. I didn’t support the team. I couldn’t take direction, and my socks were never clean (although in this case it should be pulled up).

It shocked them no end that time when my father turned up one day to pick me up in a bleedin great gold Rolls Royce. No comment on that one in regards to ego. But we also had a Mini Moke, so I presume that makes up for it.

Ironically, studies have shown that the average Canyonero Kiddie Crusher is far less safe than your ordinary sedan. Apparently the first thing they do when you have an accident is roll over and squash your head down into your neck like Touché Turtle. This seems a tad like inviting Hannibal Lecter around to cook dinner, thinking he will cook you a nice meal and then being all surprised when you end up as the main course.

Personally I don’t give a toss about the Canyonero driving wanker – apart from when I have to endure yet another ‘I never realized 4WDs were evil until I backed over my toddler in the driveway’ story on Today Tonight. If they want to pretend they can drive atrociously and obnoxiously because their car is ‘big’, who am I to burst their bubble of ignorance. And to be fair, stupid driving is not restricted to the undersexed, oversized and over here 4WD drivers - as the little black BMW hatch back with the personalised BMW number plate, last seen happily changing lanes in Southport with nary a thought to indicators, road rules or speed limits, can attest to.

But spare a thought for this. A car going at five kilometers an hour is enough to turn the human body into mush. Those fifty kilometer zones aren’t really doing anyone any good – except to make local councils feel all warm and fuzzy about their altruism and the extra cash from the speed traps. What you really need to do when you drive, especially when you are driving a ten tonne kiddie crusher is… oh now – what is the word I am searching for… is…put down the mobile phone, the burger, the cigarette, the lipstick… and …THINK!

Edited to add: Sadly I have succumbed to the lure of the dark side. I am now currently driving a very cute baby Landriver Toddler Squisher. But it is a very lovely dark green colour and so far I have only squished a couple of toddlers and backed over the wheelie bin.