Australian Intelligence Exposed

10 things I hate about you

The Thomas Sutcliffe Diaries
Trevor Spall
Conpsiracy theories
Introductions by famous people

1. Those rotten little personal computer things:


Blackberries, blueberries, cumquats – whatever they are called: they are irritating. I have just come to terms with the whole text-through-dinner phenomenon, but this adds a whole new dimension to the abuse of social etiquette. My friend sits there, head phones in his ears, pumping away at his gooseberry, completely oblivious to the world around him. At one point we were prodding him with a pool cue. What ever he was doing, it was obviously better than real life. Maybe he was in the Matrix?



2. The Paperclip from hell:


I hate that little bastard. If you have ever used Microsoft Word on your computer you know what I mean: That effing paperclip. Whenever you go into Word to write a document there he is. That smarmy self satisfied paperclip with his self satisfied smirk and his ‘office tips’. That paperclip is Bill Gate’s revenge on the world – ‘so you thought I was a nerd did you? You used to call me ‘four eyes’ at school. Well not only do I own you and your family, but I will torment you all day with a paperclip as smug as I am’. I know that with a flick of a wrist adorned by paper clipped shaped cufflinks Bill could sue me to hell and back, but the suffering and misery that paperclip inflicts is on a par with war crimes and people who make out in the back seats of lectures (I am not kidding here – some serious shagging goes on sometimes). It needs to be recognized. It needs to be shouted from the rooftops. People should wear little ribbons at the Oscars to commemorate ‘I Hate That Paperclip’ day’.


I know it is not just me. Everyone everywhere hates that paperclip. It is like a universal constant: death, religion, war, taxes and that bloody know it all bit of bent wire. They are all conspiring to make my life, your life, everyone’s life a total and utter misery from which death at our own hands is the only escape. And what does that say about your life when you are taking advice from a paper fastener?


I am sorry if that sounds a bit depressing, but that is how I get after half an hour of staring at that paper clip – and he keeps winking at me in a suggestive manner, cheeky sod.



3. Gold Coast architecture


This has to be hitting new heights – literally. If Q1 isn’t a giant phallus I don’t know what is. One of these pictures shows somebody’s home and the other is a picture of a prison in America. Can anyone spot which is which. Who wouldn’t want to live in a house that just screams super maximum prison?



4. Yip, yap, yip, yap… has it stopped… yes it has stopped… yip, yap yip…


Around the corner from me are two of the nastiest, most vicious dogs I have ever seen. They don’t just bark. They growl and snarl like that devil dog thing from the first Ghostbusters movie. The worst part is that they are that tiny little breed of ultra cute dog that looks like some sort of ultra-efficient ergonomic Swedish mop.


So I have developed the DIY Sheep patented Yap ‘n Zap for dogs who enjoy a good seven hour stretch of barking (I am just going to include these nasty little devil mop dog things out of sheer malice because they terrify my very stupid dirigible shaped poodle).


I plan to create a sort of doggie swat team. Upon learning of a serial yapper this team will head out in the choppers, shimmy down those funky ropes a la Black Hawk Down and humanely (I am thinking cricket bat here) render the offending yappee yapless.


Then the owner of the little yappee bastard will then be fitted with a Yap ‘n Zap collar. This ensures that whenever darling little Coco or Fifi decides to bark for an entire day their owner, wherever they may be, will be instantly made aware by a few hundred volts of electricity  – thus providing me with a certain sense of satisfaction, a solution to the yapping dog problem, and would let everyone in the neighborhood sleep in. 



5. The entire ‘vampire slayer’ concept from Buffy The Vampire


On the one hand you have your armies of darkness and a seemingly inexhaustible supply of hungry psychotic vampires. One the other you have some poor clueless teenage girl armed with a little extra strength and a sharp stick. Which twonker thought that sounded plausible?


But what really gets me is this Watcher’s Council thing. For the non-Buffians the Watcher’s Council seems to be a vast organization of stuffy British guys who make sure the world isn’t overrun by vampires. Except they leave all the actual killing of the vampires to the one teenage girl – they just assign someone to just sit around and watch her.


Considering this slayer is the only thing keeping the world from descending into a blood-sucking orgy of doom and destruction I have to say I have a big problem with the support they provide.


They pay the Watcher dude to sit around and watch her, but it never crossed their minds to actually pay the slayer. No – Buffy has to work in a hamburger joint to make ends meet and slay on the side. Considering the number of times this girl has saved the world I don’t think fifty grand a year and a good health plan with dental included is all that unreasonable. Personally, I would like to keep my slayer happy and well rested. I think there needs to be a little bit of industrial relations reform in the Buffyverse.


And for the Buffians out there - just think: we would have been spared all that Buffy season six angst.



6. I love the sound of power tools in the morning:


Who doesn’t? I live in an area that is constantly renovating its renovations. They start at seven in the morning. I just love to wake up to the dulcet tones of a grinder cutting through concrete. The ear splitting whine gently lures me from the arms of Morpheus and into another day of bang, crash, szherrr and tinkle as yet another million dollar McMansion is mangled by a multitude of power tool wielding minions. It makes you long for the simpler days of water torture.



7. Those really tiny shelves in the university toilets:


Take a look at the width of the shelf and the average size of a university note pad – generally A4, or the average size of a university bag. The logical conclusion I always come to is basically: plop.



8. Holiday travel shows


Which git came up with the concept of holiday travel shows? I can’t afford a holiday. So what is the next best thing? Watching some B grade celebrity pratt get paid to have go on holiday. Yes I believe ‘get a way’ is the phrase I’m searching for.



9. Sir Sean


How does Sean Connery, no matter what role he is playing, always get away with the Scottish accent?  He is the only person in the world who can play a Russian submarine commander with a Scots’ accent. Is that an indication of his coolness or what?


And just what is it with submarine movies and accents in general anyway?



10. The sudden and unexpected resurgence of the semi colon.


Not that I have anything against this little ‘dot comma’ combination personally. It is very handy for long and complicated lists. What I can’t stand is that everyone seems to use it in every possible conceivable way – except the right one.  

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